Post Traumatic Hustle Disorder 😊

I feel increasingly more inspired to write about alignment in work. Since work is such a big part of everyone's lives.

The question, "What does success mean to me?" has been haunting me for the past 7 years, since leaving my tenured professorship position. 

Somewhere along the figuring-it-out path, I've come across this term -PTHD (post-traumatic hustle disorder). It's NOT an official term 😊, but the feeling of it reflects so strongly what I've been undoing since leaving academia. Let me share with you some top 10 qualities of PTHD. 

I invite lots of grace and gentleness into this conversation, since most often -- change is incremental rather than drastic:

1. Exchanging time for money.
I've noticed that I work way less and get way more done now. I don't browse aimlessly. I don't try to impress someone with my "hours." I don't perform. I am. Quality beats quantity. Now, enjoying the process is way more important than wasting time on aimless meetings, ego battles, and productivity for the sake of external production. Basically, I am no longer willing to waste my life for the show, because time is valuable.   

2. Associating success and work with nervous system dysregulation.

One example still strikes me. I used to have meetings in the workplace, where everyone would go see a psychologist afterwards. I was earning an income to mitigate work stress and trauma. Haaaa?!?!?! Weird - right? 
Work drama was normal. 
As I have learned that I don't want this kind of relationship in my romantic life, my work standards have also increased. 
But that also required me to take responsibility and do my own trauma work and regulate my own nervous system. So that it's not only something I expect from others, but I also show up regulated myself. 
That meant reducing my work hours, increasing self-care, listening to my body, and incorporating spiritual practices. 

3. Abandoning a part of your life (e.g., relationships or family or health) in favor of professional success 
This one, I recognize so strongly, because this question of "family or work" has been on my mind for a while. It's a blueprint I've inherited. It's also the one I am undoing. 
So it's not a choice between this and that. But health, family, and work can co-exist. In my experience, it's been a progressive unraveling and practice, not an overnight shift. 

4. Mistaking worth for professional success. 
In my opinion, this is a product of generational conditioning, where people were considered useful to the government.

Men as a workforce or battle force (in the army). It's still true for some governments.
Women as a reproductive force to create workers, wives, and caretakers. 
And as we find our own autonomy and strive to live a life of fulfillment, we find our self-worth unrelated to those external expectations and start making personal choices around family and work. 

5. Doing a lot of "shoulds," and not necessarily operating in your zone of genius - things that also bring you fulfillment and joy. 

 I can do so many things, but I don't necessarily enjoy doing all of them. I am equipped to survive well. My parents did amazingly well in helping me know how to survive.
And if you want to thrive, what would be the top 3 to 5 skills that you actually enjoy sharing with others? 

6. Feeling guilt or shame when you are not working or resting. 
Oh, I know this one so well. If you are not working, what are you doing? Being busy because that's the habit? 
I think this one speaks about helping us build a life that we actually enjoy. Creating relationships, cultivating hobbies, enjoying nature, being in community, having conversations with neighbors, sitting on the porch and having a cup of tea for 20 mins while doing nothing. The healing power of rest and creativity. 
You probably know that some of the best ideas come when you do nothing. That's your time with God. 

7. Success driven by fear, not Soul. 
Fear of losing approval, endorsement, or external validation. Fear of judgment. 
I have found that internal motivation is powerful. The desire to create and do your 200% best is still there. It's just not linked to external praise. Your Soul wants to contribute. It's a part of a creative and purposeful journey. Yet, it's different from fear of punishment. 

8. Mixing up money with abundance. 

I've met many very wealthy people. Some of them use their wealth well. They enjoy wealth, generosity, freedom, and agency that comes with resources.
Many others don't. They still don't feel free to be themselves and create work on their own terms. They are afraid of spending, investing, cutting hours, working less, doing more of what they love, asking for help, and creating from the place of joy. 

So, it's not only money that creates abundance. It's money and wisdom and intentionality. 

9. Confusing titles with influence or purpose. 

I feel we are outgrowing the paradigm of titles. I have seen so many people who hide behind titles. They do not embody what they preach. 

The new paradigm calls for embodiment. Not perfection, but not collecting artifacts to add to your resume. 

I remember when I was applying for my tenure position. I was compiling a portfolio that ended up being around 1,000 pages long, detailing all kinds of achievements. I was thinking at the time, "What a waste of my time."

I get it. We do need to make choices somehow. And it seems that we need to move beyond the flashy façade and go deeper - towards the Soul and inner alignment.   

10. Giving away your agency and sovereignty. 

I think this often begins with the question, "What am I giving up in exchange for this job?"  

You might be giving up your creativity, ability to make choices, experimentation, time, freedom of thought, health, quality of life, and confining yourself to a hierarchy. 

A practical manifestation of this might be: "If you are below a certain age, you can't express your opinion." (I am not making this up, btw! It's a real-life example). 

I'll stop here for now.

Lots of food for thought in this newsletter. I'd love to hear your reflections on this too. Feel free to respond - simply reply to this email. 
And share with a friend who needs to hear these thoughts right now. 
 
Onwards, 

Mariya

P.S. 
Some references: 
1. Addicted to Drama by Scott Lyons

2. Think Unbroken by Michael Anthony